If I Had Wings
by KissMeGoodbye15
Summary: Eli's a pessimistic fatalist who swears true love doesn't exist. That being forever alone is inevitable but could he be wrong? AU
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Degrassi or ... these Tokio Hotel lyrics !

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><p><strong>If I Had Wings<strong>

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"_Lights on, lights off, nothin' works_

_I'm __**cool**__, I'm __**great**__, I'm a__** jerk**_

_I feed myself __**lies**__ with words left unspoken_

_Gonna be okay, gonna be okay, one day, one day"_

Eli shook his head, disapprovingly. "Marriage is absolutely idiotic. I can't even get my mind wrapped around the idea. How can you promise to another person that you'll always feel the same? I mean, not only are you lying to the person, but you're also lying to yourself. It's stupid." Eli stated, as he paced around the room; taking in the news that his best friend/roommate was getting married.

Drew rolled his eyes. He knew exactly how Eli felt about the whole "love" topic. He hated it with a passion; though he never knew why. He's felt strongly this way since they had met when they were eighteen.

"Eli, man, if you're lucky enough to find someone you love, who loves you back, it's a gift. And that's exactly what Bianca is...I love her and she loves me. There's not a thing I wouldn't do for her."

Eli disagreed, "You are so blind. You claim to be 'in love', but love doesn't exist because nothing can last forever. Everything will eventually come to an end...along with you and Bianca's 'undying love'." he mocked. "Relationships are 75% fantasy, 25% reality."

Drew half-heartedly chuckled at his pessimistic friend. "What words of encouragement there, best man. Hope that's not your speech for the wedding."

Eli could never bring himself to understand why people did such stupid things. Do they have nothing else better to do with their lives? Or maybe it was just so you could actually say "I've been married." type of thing, as a way of being boastful. But like marriage was something to boast about..

Eli sighed, "I'm only trying to tell you that maybe it isn't in your best interest to get married. Why do people have to throw this huge party, and show off to the world their supposed happiness? You love her and she loves you; shouldn't that be enough? You and I are friends...doesn't mean we should run off to city hall and get some document stating so. We should just know within that we are." he caught Drew dazing off. "Is any of this getting through your brain?" he asked.

"Not the slightest bit, amigo." Drew assured, casually flipping the TV channels. "Hey, when's _The_ _Italian Job_ coming on Starz?"

Eli hurled a pillow at the back of Drew's head; catching him off guard, "What the hell, man?" Drew exclaimed.

Eli had to admit that he'd miss this; living with Drew, he hated living alone. But he'd obviously have to get use to being alone from now on. Drew-his best and only friend was getting married soon.

It made him think of having to be alone..

"_They said he's __**fine**__ left alone_

_The __**screams**__ in my mind,_

_I keep them a secret.."_

Just the thought of possibly being forever alone made him shudder. It slowly ate at him but would he ever admit it? No, of course not, he's not the type to let others see his guard down. That'd make him a coward, and he knew he was far from one.

He thought, we should just accept the fact that the way we enter the world is exactly how we leave it; alone.

Now this didn't necessarily mean that he yearned for a companion. It was quite the opposite, actually.

Only he understood his twisted ways of thinking; not wanting anyone yet not wanting to be alone. It was all too frustrating..


	2. Chapter 2

This chapter came out boring as fuck... _-_

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><p>"Can you please try to get along with Bianca tonight?" Drew kindly asked Eli, knowing his bud could be sort of a prick sometimes...or more like most of the time. How he managed to stay friends with him for years, who knows.<p>

Eli rolled his eyes. "I'm not seven, ya know? Plus, you know I can't stand her...she's...annoying, to put it nicely."

Eli really couldn't stand Bianca. She was a pompous little princess that had to have her way every time. He was sure what Drew and Bianca had couldn't be "it". Surely, just infatuation because even he had to admit that Bianca was smoking hot.

"She is not, she's...amazingly beyond words. I-I can't even..." he trailed off into thought.

Eli felt bad for Drew, knowing that she had him wrapped around her pretty little manicured finger. Must suck ass, he thought, but selfishly glad that it wasn't him in that position.

Eli fake gagged, "Bleh, man, go on somewhere else with all that sentimental shit. For your sake so you won't have like a heart attack or something, I promise I will behave, _master_." he bowed jokingly.

Drew playfully socked him in the shoulder. "Shut up. But for real, you will?"

"Yes. I promise." he smiled knowingly.

"Hey, maybe she'll have one of her cute friends with her?" Drew suggested, fixing his tie in the mirror.

"If they're anything like her...they need to stay the hell away from me. You said I had to play nice with Bianca. You never said anything about being nice to her friends.." Pointed out Eli.

Just as Drew was about to reply, his phone rang. "Hey, babe" he answered. "Yeah I think we're about ready...Eli's just trying to fit his nut sack into his skinny jeans."

Eli's middle finger shot up and he mouthed fuck you.

"Yeah. Yeah, okay. I love you, too, hunnie. Bye."

Eli snickered, "Hunnie?"

Drew shot him a glare. "Shut. Up. We got to get going anyways.."

As they exited their apartment, they got into their separate cars, heading out to this "fancy" party Bianca was throwing.

...

Eli took one look at the facility this "party" was being held at, and turned the opposite direction. "No way I'm going in there, Drew. Like I wanna deal with snobbishly aloof people the whole night. So fucking pretentious.."

Drew wasn't taking no for an answer. While Eli was busy ranting on about rich folks, Drew managed to push him into the building, making him land on the floor.

The men and women that stood around began to turn and stare. "Uh...sorry. He slipped, the snow is mighty slippery out there!" Drew explained, chuckling nervously.

Eli picked himself off the ground. "Thanks a lot, fucking dick." He muttered.

Drew immediately elbowed him. "Don't talk like that here." he scolded.

This was some straight up bullshit, Eli thought. His friend was acting like he had a fucking hanger up his ass or something. How dare he tell him what he should or shouldn't say. He wasn't some damn child; he's a grown ass twenty-four year old man. And he wasn't about to sit around, having Drew boss him around.

"Where's the bar?" he asked but didn't bother waiting for a reply before he left. "That's where I'll be.." he trailed off.

He slid onto the nearest available seat at the bar. Not that he really cared for alcohol. Hell, he wasn't even sure what to order. He'd only drank like once, so he ordered what he knew. He waved the bartender. "May I get a Jack Daniels on the rocks?" The bartender nodded, immediately bringing him the drink.

He noticed a curly haired female on the stool next to him, completely into the book she was reading.

Hmm, Stephen King? Not bad, Eli thought as he forcefully took a sip of his drink.

Across the room, stood Drew and Bianca talking amongst themselves.

"Babe, I **really** think it would be best if I fly out to Italy to get the dress I was telling you about."

"Italy?" he questioned, "I can barely afford all of this other wedding stuff. Going to Italy to buy this fifteen thousand dollar dream dress is going to **kill** me. In New York, I'm sure you can get a dress for about half the price and it'll still be nice."

He knew Bianca loved expensive things, but that was just a bit too much for him.

A frown spread across her face. "Half the price? So I'm worth half of fifteen thousand dollars? **Thanks**, babe." She said sarcastically. "Point is I want to be different. When I walk down the aisle, I want them to stare with envy at my glamorously expensive dress. Not shake their head disapprovingly because instead I come out in some fucking Wal-Mart dress! Disgusting." She exclaimed.

Deeply sighing, Drew shook his head.

Everything to Bianca was "bum". If it wasn't ridiculously overpriced then it was completely repulsive to her.

As they continued to go back and forth discussing her dress, a short, bright blue eyed, curly-haired female walked up to them, asking to speak with Bianca.

Bianca turned, scowling at the sudden interruption, "What do you **need**, Clare?"

Clare cleared her throat, pulling out her Iphone. "The florist called back, he can't get you the Hydrangea flowers because they only bloom once a year." she explained to Bianca as she stuffed her Stephen King book into her purse.

"Ugh! This is a disaster!" Bianca screeched, causing some of the party guests to look their way. Drew's eyes widened at Bianca's ridiculous behavior.

Eli lazily walked over to were Drew stood. "Dude, I'm gonna leave because this shit is boring, and your girlfriend is acting psycho."

Bianca threw a death glare at Eli. "Suck camel dicks, Goldsworthy."

Eli laughed dryly. "No thanks, I'll pass."


	3. Chapter 3

Hopefully this chapter isn't too horrible. :3

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><p>When Eli returned to the apartment, he tossed his keys on the coffee table. As he threw off his blazer he saw the voicemail light flashing on the home phone. At first he contemplated whether or not he should listen to it. He knew who it might be and he didn't really care to hear what this person had to say.<p>

He rubbed his temples just before pressing the button. A voice boomed through the machine.

_You have one new voicemail: "...Uh...hey, Eli. I'm so so so __**sorry**__, I swear." _The female's voice sniffled_. "It...didn't mean anything. If I could go back and make things different, I would. You just...have to hear me out, __**please**__. I love you, Elijah. Bye."_

Eli rolled his eyes, laughing indifferently. He knew she was full of shit, she always was. Hear her out? What was there to "hear out"? What she had did was simply unforgivable. She had cheated on him...but that's not what got him, what got him was who she cheated on him with. Can you believe it? She **fucked** Bullfrog, his own flesh and blood, his father..

Used to always going through motions with Alli, slowly falling apart, yet she liked to ignore the moment that broke his heart. Fear comes into play as he watched them, as a couple, slip away. _How did we land in this_ _place?_ He consistently thought.

Of all people, why Bullfrog? Guess she wanted to hit him where it hurt most; close to home. Not once, but multiple of times, two whole _fucking_ months..

Maybe it was him who was internally flawed? Obviously, there must be something so wrong with him that it makes his girlfriend sleep with his father...for _two months_.

After listening to the message, he quickly erased it off the machine. Why didn't she give up, already? It had been months since they had broke it off. He remembers that day perfectly, feeling humiliated, angry, crushed..

"_Yeah, I just got Alli's favorite takeout food. Yeah, yeah, whatever, I __**don't. **__I don't know..maybe." Eli laughed into the phone. He thought maybe Alli was ready to take their relationship to that __**level**__. They had been dating for five months, though they had yet to get __**intimate**__, only occasional kisses here and there. Not that Alli was a virgin, she just wanted to wait for the right moment. Eli had a good feeling that it might be tonight._

_He skillfully balanced the containers of fried rice as he stuck his hand in his back pocket for his house keys. _

_He slowly opened the door, setting the food onto the kitchen counter, slyly heading towards the master bedroom. Hearing soft romantic music playing, Eli smiled. For sure tonight was the night. As he got closer, he heard soft moans and groans. _

_He suddenly froze. Was she masturbating? His perverted mind wondered._

_When he made it to the door, he lightly sighed, heart pounding, palms beginning to perspire. He reached for the knob, turning it slowly._

_The sight he saw next shattered his heart. Alli lay sprawled over the bed, clenching the sheets, moaning in satisfaction as Bullfrog, above her, vigorously pumped in and out of her. Beads of sweat, dripped down his face._

_Eli silently balled his fist in anger, watching them be oblivious of his presence in the room. He was disgusted, appalled, crushed, humiliated. Did they secretly laugh at Eli's stupidity when he wasn't around? _

_As much as he wanted to pull Bullfrog off of her and kick his ass, he wasn't one to make a scene. And he wasn't about to pick today to start. He saw no point in getting into a fight for someone who was not even worth it._

_As he had quietly entered is exactly how he exited._

After that night, Eli never returned to that house and eventually got an apartment with Drew. It took Alli weeks to figure out that she lost Eli. Eli liked to believe that maybe she truely felt bad about all of this because she actually cared for him...but he knew that wasn't possible. He was incapable of being loved.

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><p>Review? <strong>Please.<strong>


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